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Panel Questions

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. And here's your host, who's searching Amazon to see how realistic those fake six-pack abs T-shirts have gotten. It's Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. It is our Practicing for Summer Fun Edition. And we want you and your kids to know that it's not necessary to buy expensive toys or invite famous people over to talk to to have fun. No. You can find fun all on your own.

KURTIS: Expensive toys are great, though. I have a working model submarine the size of an actual submarine.

SAGAL: Well, still, all you really need to amuse yourself is...

KURTIS: Seriously, it has three nuclear-tipped Trident missiles on board.

SAGAL: That's really great, Bill. But...

KURTIS: Defy me and die in fire.

SAGAL: Here's our panel showing you how to enjoy yourselves peacefully.

Yassir, very exciting news. There's been a major advancement in the Nerf arms race. Nerf has invented a new gun that can do what?

YASSIR LESTER: It has a laser scope.

SAGAL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

LESTER: I don't know. I'm trying to think of something, like, violent, I guess.

SAGAL: It has armor-piercing ammunition?

(LAUGHTER)

LESTER: Wow. OK, wait. Hold on - an extended banana clip?

SAGAL: No. No.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I'll give you a hint. You could say it shoots it like Beckham.

LESTER: Wait. It has, like, a kickback.

SAGAL: No.

LESTER: Just tell me. Just - I'll never get this. I'll never get this.

SAGAL: It shoots around corners.

LESTER: That is, by laws of physics, impossible.

SAGAL: Yet it does.

LESTER: Tell me.

SAGAL: You thought you were safe in the next room or crouched behind that couch. Think again. The Nerf Rival Curve Shot fires foam ammo that can turn left or right or down, which means, truly, there is no place for America's younger brothers to hide.

(LAUGHTER)

JESSI KLEIN: I like that Nerf thought to themselves, you know what America needs right now? - is more of a sense that there's no escape.

(LAUGHTER)

LESTER: Yeah. How can you be annoying...

KLEIN: Let's see (laughter) - the vibe we're picking up is that no one's on edge.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: And people will think this is so chill.

TOM PAPA: (Laughter) Kids just love playing insurrection.

LESTER: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This story is yet another example of how adding Nerf in front of something turns it from a horrifying thing to a cool one, like, new gun shoots around corners is really bad. But Nerf gun - that sounds like fun. It works for everything, as in I tested positive for Nerf COVID.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Adam, this week, GQ did an in-depth interview with someone entirely about their famous hairstyle. Who was it?

ADAM FELBER: It was Elvis.

SAGAL: No, it wasn't. He's dead, really. Trust me.

FELBER: Oh, wow. It was somebody with really famous hair. And I'm going to need a hint.

MO ROCCA: OK, well, remember we were just talking about pressure when you urinate? What do you take to combat that - a depressurization of your urinary tract?

SAGAL: I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

ROCCA: You take Flomax.

FELBER: OK. I didn't know that.

ROCCA: OK, Flomax. And then Flomax sounds like something you cut your hair with.

FELBER: A Flowbee.

ROCCA: Right.

FELBER: Yes.

ROCCA: And who uses a Flowbee to cut his hair to give himself that famous Caesar haircut and everything else afterwards?

FELBER: Peter, I'm going to need a hint.

DULCE SLOAN: (Laughter).

FELBER: George Clooney?

SAGAL: It's not George Clooney, which is why...

ROCCA: Oh, I thought it was George Clooney.

SAGAL: It wasn't George Clooney.

ROCCA: Oh, sorry.

SAGAL: I would also point out...

FELBER: Peter, I need a hint not from Mo.

ROCCA: I revealed my urinary tract problems...

SAGAL: You did.

ROCCA: ...Just for that?

SAGAL: You did.

FELBER: Just to clue me into the wrong answer (laughter).

SAGAL: Adam, you'd like a hint. All right. Here we go. Dearest Martha, today I washed my tresses in the Susquehanna and combed them in what my adjutant calls a mullet - your devoted Samuel.

FELBER: Dearest Martha. It's George Washington?

SAGAL: I need, like, the "Ashokan Farewell" playing behind them.

FELBER: Is it Ken Burns? What are we talking about here?

SAGAL: Yes, it's Ken Burns.

FELBER: (Laughter).

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SLOAN: Ken Burns has famous hair?

SAGAL: For decades, Ken Burns has been his own personal nine-part series on the history of the bowl cut. But during lockdown, he has had to let his hair grow out. And I got to tell you it is, like, Fabio-level sexy. That feeling in your loins - that's the Ken Burns effect. So...

FELBER: (Laughter).

SAGAL: I mean, now...

FELBER: I've seen that, and I...

SAGAL: It's amazing. I mean, it is amazingly good-looking hair.

ROCCA: Part of what he's doing is he conditions it with sepia.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: To give it that tone, you know?

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

FELBER: December 4 - I feel I shall never see gel again.

SAGAL: His luxurious shoulder-length hair looks so good that GQ declared a style alert and called him for an interview. We're really excited for their next feature on Werner Herzog's rippling thighs.

FELBER: I love that the pandemic has turned Ken Burns into that librarian who takes her glasses off and lets her hair down.

SAGAL: It's pretty much. Yeah, exactly.

FELBER: Every music video.

ROCCA: He's a veteran of the battle of split ends...

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Decisive.

SAGAL: Tom, conspiracy theorists have long accused Bill Gates of being an evil genius who's trying to implant humans with microchips. That, of course, is ridiculous. As it turns out, Bill Gates is really working on a plan to do what?

TOM BODETT: Get everybody to just carry the tracking device in their pocket.

SAGAL: No.

BODETT: No, he did that. I need another hint.

SAGAL: Well, he - I mean, it's part of his concern for health. He never wants anyone to suffer a sunburn again.

BODETT: Well, by wearing sunscreen.

SAGAL: No.

BODETT: It's too obvious. By wearing leather.

SAGAL: No.

BODETT: It would work.

SAGAL: No, he's going right to the source.

BODETT: Oh, he wants to put a sunshade up in space.

SAGAL: Exactly, he wants to block out the sun.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

BODETT: Oh, wow. That seems like real evil genius stuff there.

SAGAL: Doesn't it, though?

BODETT: Yeah.

SAGAL: In an announcement made this week, Bill Gates said he is supporting the stratospheric controlled perturbation experiment, which sounds like the dirtiest thing Bill Gates has ever thought of doing.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Kind of makes sense. You can go blind from both too much staring at the sun and too much perturbation. The SCPE, as it is called, plans to spray a sun-reflecting aerosol into the atmosphere in an attempt to help combat the effects of global warming. The project could cost upwards of $10 billion because purchasing that many bottles of Aqua Net is not cheap.

ALONZO BODDEN: Didn't Dr. Evil try this in, like, the second movie?

SAGAL: Yeah. I think so.

BODDEN: I'm pretty sure Austin Powers saved us from this once already.

BODETT: Yeah.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: It sounds like Simon Bar Sinister. It sounds like something...

SAGAL: It really does.

POUNDSTONE: ...On "Underdog."

BODETT: If he gets a white cat, it's over. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.